No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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