I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
