i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
