He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
