the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
