Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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