I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
