she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize