My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
