i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Randomize
