I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize