We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
