My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
