You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
