She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If its not for food we ain't going out.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
