My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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