Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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