Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
