He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
