He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
