You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
