When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Please don't give away my fajitas
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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