dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
hell yes lets make some ravioli
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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