we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
