I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
