Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
And then my night got REAL pukey
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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