I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
