Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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