Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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