His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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