Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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