Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
