Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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