Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
