Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
