Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
