i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
