How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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