Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
