wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
