the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
