I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
