There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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