It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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