there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
