he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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