before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize