Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
