Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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