The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
