brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
