but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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