Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
