I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize