the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
