the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
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