i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
