You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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