I cut my penus on the lid.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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