It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize