For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
