She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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