I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
