i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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