My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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