He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
