LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
