The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
