i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
