I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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