she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
