I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
