I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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